Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Big Ben Likes Pina Coladas

According to the American Idol commercial during the Super Bowl, Big Ben Roethlisberger (Big Dumb Toothlesberger) likes pinas coladas. He sang Escape a.k.a. "The Pina Colada Song" by Ruppert Holmes during the commercial and did not look very manly doing so. As evident here:

American Idol: Big Ben sings
Big Ben Likes Pina Coladas

This brings up many questions, why does Ben like pina coladas? They don't seem to be a very manly drink. Why would he put this out in the open, on National TV, during the most watched event of the year? It doesn't make sense... unless it is an apology to "The Cheap Shot Artist", Evil Chipmunck Hines Ward?

Big Ben recently called out Steelers management for not getting him "big" receivers to "throw to" and the smallish Ward took offense. Big Ben later apologized, but maybe Ben felt he needed to make a grander apology for secret reasons.

If Ben likes pina coladas, then it's quite obvious that he might not be "playing for the right team." And I don't mean the Steelers. Maybe he Hines are embattled in a behind the scenes lovers' quarrel and Big Ben crossed the line by calling out the size of Hines' manhood.

Maybe Ben came to him senses and realized that with his 10 cent brain and reconstructed face that he has it pretty good with Hines and that some things are best left unsaid. By coming clean on National TV maybe Ben thought it was the right way to says, "Hines, I still love you even though you have a small wiener." Either way, kudos to Ben for stepping up and showing the world his true feelings. Hopefully, Heinz Field will be blasting "The Pina Colada Song" all 2008 to recognize and celebrate your secret man love like only Pittsburgh can.
Yes, this is totally made up but stupid Steeler fans deserve it. Yes, Brady Quinn may have some stupid wedding photos floating around the internet but everyone has stupid wedding photos somewhere. Not everyone can look like a douche bag by singing the Pina Colada Song on TV. Suck it, yinzers!

Monday, February 4, 2008

2008 - Browns Cut List - Receivers & Tight Ends

#17 Braylon Edwards - WR - 3rd Year
Good job. You grew up, shut your mouth, said all the right things and let your play do the talking. Amazing how you broke almost every Browns single season receiving record by playing the game the right way, huh? Stop dropping the easy ones and jumping for every pass and you should be good to go. Two things... 1. Now that you are a "model citizen" lets stay that way. 2. Now that you've shown you can put up these kinds of numbers I expect close to them every year.

#80 Kellen Winslow - TE - 4th Year
I can only imagine what you are capable of if you were 100% healthy. Even when an opposing defense schemes to take you out of the game plan it opens up everyone else. You should have been voted in the Pro Bowl from Day 1 but people are always going to hold your "Soldier" rant and the motorcycle incident against you. Take it personal. Just keep going out there game after game and prove your critics wrong. You, too, also shut the hell up and just played the game. You don't need to ask for the ball. It got you over 80 catches and over 1,100 yards. The QB knows you deserve it when you are open. Also, see #1 and #2 under Mr. Edwards' write up.

#82 Steve Heiden - TE - 9th Year
I've said it before and I'll say it again. If it wasn't for Phil Dawson, you would be the best player the Browns have had since their reincarnation. It can not be underestimated how well you filled in for Kellen Winslow in 2004 and 2005. Your catches dropped to a third of what they were in 2006 and we never heard a word about it. You came in as the blocking tight end a lot to let K2 take pressure off his knees and take advantage as a slot receiver. You block well, play hard, play special teams and are the consummate professional. You have salvaged #82 after Benedict Ozzie left with You Know Who.

#84 Joe Jurevicius - WR - 10th Year
Other than the dropsies that seemed to develop at the end of the year, you are the prototype #2 and possession receiver. Doing nothing for the Caucasian sterotype, I might add. I think you rubbed off a pit on Braylon and K2 so kudos to you. You say '08 may be your last year, if so, why not go out with a bang. It's always good to come home to Cleveland.

#86 Tim Carter - WR - 6th Year
We traded you for Reuben Droughns and he got a Super Bowl ring. I'm not sure what you got. Hmmm. Let's do the math. Played in 16 games. Check. Had 8 catches. Check. Of the 8 catches, 3 of them came during garbage time versus New England. Check. So... in the other 15 games you had 5 total catches. Check. That is one catch every 3 games. Check. I know K2 plays in the slot a lot and Cribbs rotates in but still... YOU'RE THE THIRD RECEIVER.
DA PASSED FOR ALMOST 4,000 YARDS AND YOU ONLY CAUGHT 8 PASSES. To quote Gilbert Gottfried, "This is not good." Plus you tended to scissor-hands a lot of passes which is also not good. Listen you wear number 86 and considering who wore it last year, that is a dangerous proposition. Ask Syndric Steptoe. It's not your fault. It's the Curse of Brian Brennan. Look it up. In 1992, Bill Belichick released fan favorite Brian Brennan before the off-season program even started and didn't even tell GM Ernie Accorsi. Brennan was stunned and went on to play for the Chargers but his heart always remained in Cleveland. Since then the #86, and every player who has worn it, has been cursed. You played hard and tried but it just didn't work out.

#87 Darnell Dinkins - TE - 6th Year
You were born, raised and grew up in Pittsburgh. You were a fan of the Steelers. You went to Pitt. Normally I would cut you but you are a physical specimen and you seem to play hard just stop holding on special teams. Also, you have won the "Ugliest Guy on the Team" for the second straight year. Congrats.

Feels like I am forgetting something... OH YEAH!

#81 Travis Wilson - WR - 2nd Year
May the Lord have mercy on your soul. Somehow, as the 4th receiver on the team you managed to be deactivated for EVERY SINGLE GAME this year. This is not uncommon for a back-up or third quarterback, back-up offensive lineman or extra specialist. But it's EMBARRASSING for the 4th wide receiver. You couldn't even beat out Tim Carter for the 3rd wide receiver and I just documented his lack of receiving prowess a few paragraphs above. It doesn't matter that they use K2 in the slot, or Heiden as an extra blocker and pass catcher or that Cribbs comes in for specialty plays, the coaching staff decided there was no advantage, whatsoever, to activating you for any single game. You couldn't even get in on any special teams! Bobby Hamilton was here for one week and got to play! Charles Ali got to play in some games. Sweet Jesus, even Lennie Friedman returned a kickoff! They signed guys for a couple weeks at the end of the year to play special teams instead of letting you! You professed yourself to be the best palyer in the 2006 Draft and proceeded to hold out and produce 2 catches. This year you had a fair shot to beat out Carter and Cribbs for playing time and couldn't do it. Kevin "I humped Willie Green's Wife" Johnson, Dennis North-"You've Been"-Cutt, Quincy "Mumbles" Morgan and Andre "The Proper Spelling" Davis used to be called the 4 deuces because they were all 2nd round draft picks. I think they were the 4 deuces because the Browns pooped the bed and dropped a deuce with those 4 draft picks. Plus 81 was Mumbles' number and then Antonio Bryant's number and they just rub me the wrong way. I don't see you making a turn around like Braylon or K2 because you are NOT AS TALENTED AS THEM you jackass. Even though you are young I just get no positive vibes from you. Maybe you will prove me wrong but I have serious doubts. As the final act of the 2008 Cleveland Browns Cut List...

That's it. Thanks for reading! It's a good year when I don't want to cut many people off the team let alone more than half of them as in years past! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.


Sunday, February 3, 2008

2008 - Browns Cut List - Offensive Backs

#3 Derek Anderson - QB - 3rd Year
A lot of people want to blame you for missing the playoffs because of the Cincinnati game. When it comes down to it, the Browns should have won at least one more game and had the opportunity to do so more than a few times. You're only a year older than Quinn and when you look at the year you had it is amazing. You almost broke Brian Sipe team record for yardage and TD passes and led the team to a 10-5 record as a starter. After the opening day debacle, you took the opportunity presented to you and ran with it. You deserve a shot to repeat that performance and see if you were a one year wonder or if you've really broken out into stardom. That being said you were tied for the second most interceptions in the NFL and were god awful on the road. You need to become more consistent and develop a little more touch. But it shouldn't diminish what you accomplished in 2007 and people shouldn't be trying to run you out of town. Make DA mean Definitely Awesome more often than Dumb Ass and you'll be fine. But watch your back and you have someone who may be just as capable and hungry as you are.

#10 Brady Quinn - QB - Rookie
I like the fact that for some reason the entire football universe hates and/or doubts you. I like the fact that Browns haters like to take pictures that were taking of you at wedding and/or parties and degrade you when you're just being a normal guy at a party. I like the fact that you just let that stuff roll of you back and shrug it off. I like the fact that you handled your rookie season by saying and doing all the right things when some people were calling for you before you even got into camp. I like even better the vibe and aura that seemed to overtake the stadium when you entered the San Fran game. Let's see what you have after another training camp and pre-season. You will eventually be the man here. It may not be next year but it will be soon. And I have a feeling you will be ready and able.

#11 Ken Dorsey - QB - 5th Year
Browns averaged 7 points in the games you weren't with the team and were gangbusters once you arrived. Who knew you were this valuable. And you were the highest paid QB on the team in 2007! But seriously, if Trent Dilfer didn't have an attitude problem he'd be doing what you are right now. Kudos for knowing your role, helping out DA and the Golden Boy, and being an all around good influence on the team. I have no doubt that you contributed greatly to the development of both.

#29 Jason Wright - RB - 3rd Year
You are going to be a doctor after you retire but you're a pretty damn good change of pace back. I love seeing you on screens and draws. You're not the biggest or fastest guy but man you hit the holes hard and run with authority. You're only worry is Harrison nipping at your heels. Keep it up from one Doc to another.

#31 Jamal Lewis - RB - 8th Year
I, like everybody else, was sour on your signing. A lot of wear and tear, lingering injuries and the checked past. You proved all the doubters wrong. You were a beast and got better as the year went on. Only the second back in Browns history to get 1,300 yards and you missed one game and played only one play in another. Two or three more years of you is just fine by me as long as the effort and passion are there just like this year. Don't get mad when the Browns evetually draft or sign a young guy to eventually take over for you because it's going to happen. And I know you're tired of hearing it but... keep your nose clean.

#35 Jerome Harrison - RB - 2nd Year
I see you and think of Darren Sproles of SD. You're so damn fast they should have a play or two designed for you each game just like Cribbs. If it wasn't for Cribbs you probably seeing more action on special teams. While J-Wright might be more of a prototypical back-up but you are definitely a weapon and need to be used. Dressing a second FB instead of you should never be an option. I expect to see a lot more of you in 2008.

#47 Lawrence Vickers - FB - 2nd Year
Alright, Stonehands, let's chat. K2 stopped you from dancing in the endzone in the Game 1 blowout. That, plus Maurice Carthon's inexplicable obsession with you, might have people calling for you head. But you got yourself straight and provided some great hardnosed blocking for the RBs and a lot of the experts say you are a Pro Bowler in the making. Don't let it go to your head. The automatic "Vickers Up The Middle" when it's 1 yard or less to go is frightening at times but at least there is now the Vickers Fake Play-Action Pass now. You're tough, athletic and play angry. Let's work on catching the football, with your hands, before you try to run and things should be OK. I know you don't get a lot of passes but you shouldn't poop a chicken when one comes you way. You may be the most improved player, other than DA, on the team.

Up next: Final 2008 Cut List - Receivers & Tight Ends