Saturday, February 2, 2008

2008 - Browns Cut List - Offensive Line

#50 Marvin Philip - C - 2nd Year
The Steelers drafted you in 2006 tried to stash you on the practice squad this year and we picked you up late season. You were inactive all three games. I do believe in stockpiling young offensive linemen however.

#61 Isaac Sowells - OL - 2nd Year
The Browns seem to like you but you've only played 1 game in two years. That's good because it means they're haven't been a ton of injuries. You can play G and T... always a plus.

#62 Lennie Friedman - G - 9th Year
Let's forget the fact that you are a reliable back-up and can offer help at both center and guard. Let's talk about the important things. You are recognized as having on of the best senses of humor in the locker room. You are often seen reading the Wall Street Journal before and after games. You majored in Psychology at Duke. You were inducted into the Jewish Sports Hall of Fame in 2004. You are one of our few unrestricted Free Agents I hope they bring you back.

#65 Eric Steinbach - LG - 5th Year
The fact you are not in the Pro Bowl is a travesty. You wrecked people all year and have a nasty streak. Your signing was the first step in the off-season turn around and you have been well worth that $49M.

#66 Hank Fraley - C - 8th Year
Getting you for a 7th Round draft pick was a steal. You are the leader of the O-Line even through you are not the best player. You take charge and aren't afraid to get into anyone's face. Plus you are so portly that your jersey rolls up your massive belly because you snap and the two 6s ball up and look like 0s on your man boobs and that makes me laugh. Keep on knocking them down Fat Hank!

#70 Nat Dorsey - T - 4th Year
You're lazy. There's no denying it. It's plagued you since college. It's why you dropped into the 4th Round of the draft. It's why the Vikings traded you to us for Melvin Fowler who is now an above average OL in Buffalo. It's why you took a play off in the Oakland game and let a game winning field goal get blocked. I can not believe the Browns cut Kelly Butler in favor of you. He played hard, worked hard and never got noticed. Offensive linemen shouldn't get noticed. If they do it means they F'd up. You always seem to get noticed.

#72 Ryan Tucker - RG - 11th Year
Let me tell you something, Brother! At the end of 2006 when I was training, saying my prayers (talking to the make believe people in my head) and taking my vitamins (steroids) everyone thought I was on the brink of destruction, Brother. And that long, hard first month of the season when I was banned from the ring (Browns Practice Facility) all the little Cleveland-Maniacs were wondering what the future held for me, Brother. But let me tell you something, Brother! I knew all along that the Right Guard position was calling my name, Brother! And when I finally returned all was finally wRight in the world, Brother! Cleveland-Mania is runnin' wild like it's never run before! This is where the power lies, Brother! So whatcha gonna do, BROTHER, when the Tuckster runs wild on you!

#73 Joe Thomas - LT - Rookie
The pick that may have changed the course of the franchise. The Stienbach signing made no sense without drafting you. Pro Bowl in your first season and I expect you to be there for over a decade. Great coo by Savage to fool everyone into thinking we weren't going to select you. Anything I type can't do you justice.

#77 Kevin Shaffer - RT - 6th Year
You weren't stellar but we noticed you much less this year. You had the occasional false start or hold but no where near to the 10-11 times a game in 2006. I found myself cursing you less and less with each game. Who would have thought that a simple flip-flop from LT to RT would have done wonders for the HPC, baby! This is a first. The first person, ever, that I have cut in a previous year and rebounded the year after. Ladies and gentlemen for the first time in Cut List History...

Friday, February 1, 2008

2008 - Browns Cut List - Defensive Front 7

#60 Melila Purcell - DE - Rookie
Well, you did it. You made it on the active roster for the last game of the season. But you didn’t play. You know what that makes you… my boy Lang Campbell. Well done. It’s like it was meant to be. He was #6, you are #60. Just slid that 0 in there for shits and grins, huh? Otto Graham was originally #60, way to tarnish the number. That being said, you are a young DL so we may as well keep you around and see what happens.

#75 Simon Frasier - DE - 3rd year
You play hard, hustle and I enjoy seeing you do the hand signals during the playing of “Hang On Sloopy” between the third and fourth quarters. But you are a bit undersized for a DE in a 3-4. Blatant Ohio nepotism only gets you so far. You made a lot more plays in 2006 so maybe my expectations are a little too high. Kudos on the Lorenzo Lamas hair, start speaking in an accent true to your Scottish heritage and you may have a wrestling gimmick in the future. For now get stronger.

#91 Shaun Smith – NT/DE - 4th Year
Injuries forced you to play more DE that NT. You seemed to play very well at the nose and so-so at end. I expect big things from you in 2008. I love the fact that you dig through the Media Guides to dig up smack talk on the opponents. Let’s back it up against the Bungals this year, Mmm’Kay? I mean Carson Palmer called you the Hamburglar! This is the greatest thing that could ever happen. I mean you did look like the Hamburglar in a Bungals uniform. The stripes, the portly physique, dead ringer. You’re sitting on a gold mine, Hamburglar. Michael Dean Perry had the MDP back in the 1990’s. You’ve got to get something for yourself. I can envision Dawson, Zastudil and Pontbriand sitting around the Training Complex lunchroom. All of a sudden they hear “Robble, Robble” in the background. “Shit, it’s the Hamburglar, yo! Run for your lives!” I sense a Hambuglar #91 jersey in the Chinch’s future…

#93 Louis Leonard - NT - Rookie
We picked you up after San Diego waived you in an attempt to stick you on the Practice Squad. That worked out well with Derek Anderson and the Chargers are considered to have one of the best collections of talent on their roster in the NFL. Steal from the rich. Also, you are frickin’ ginormous. We need help, please give us some.

#96 Bobby Hamilton - DE – 13th Year
Why didn’t we pick you up earlier in the year? It’s your 13th year, we pick you up in the last week of the season, you haven’t been in football shape and you play better than half the DE that we have had in the past 9 years. And kudos on picking the reverse 69 for your number. But you are 35. We need young talent here. Sorry, Bobby.

#98 Robaire Smith - DE – 8th Year
Quietly you had a very solid year. Nothing great but not that bad. You made a couple of nice plays here and there but we need a couple a game. Based on our track record with past free agents you turned out to be a pretty good deal. Stay healthy and you should be a key piece to a DL line rotation in 2008. You stole Big Dawg’s #98 but I am giving you a nickname to compensate. If Shaun Smith is the Hamburglar that’s makes you Mayor McCheese! It only makes sense!

#99 Orpheus Roye - DE – 12th Year
Before we get to the inevitable, let’s give you some kudos. You used to be a Steeler for 4 years. You’ve been a Brown for 8. Way to double it up, it is appreciated. You had a couple really good years hear and a few solid years. It a time of bad football you were actually good. You actually had the last safety in Browns history prior to the bad snap in the blizzard versus Buffalo. I witnessed it live. Chinch, Kick Ball Head and I did the ‘Safety Dance’ in the stands. It’s been a good run but it’s coming to an end. You’re 34, can’t stay healthy and have lost more than just a step. Orpheus, you did us well my friend but it’s time to bid you adieu.

#54 Andra Davis - ILB – 6th Year
You were amazing in the Buffalo game. Utterly amazing. But that was in a blizzard when speed was nullified and all that mattered was instincts. But when conditions are good or even so-so, well, we could compare you to Rafael Betancourt’s wind-up. You are THAT slow and it is THAT noticeable. I don’t know what happened. A couple of years ago you were all over the place. Now, yikes, if you stop someone for a 5 yard gain I am happy. If we put your smarts and combined them with Leon Williams’ athleticism we’d have one heckuva ILB. But right now you are only half of one. I partially blame Gerard “Big Poopie” Warren since he was your teammate at Florida and still your best friend. The effort and heart is always there when you play but the results were lacking all year.

#55 Willie McGinest - OLB – 14th Year
I’ll give you credit. You came back faster from a back injury that I thought possible. Especially at your age. You played every position from OLB to ILB to DE to even some NT when the line was decimated by injuries. But you are getting up in age and just don’t make the plays you did in New England (minus the San Fran game). You should probably hang them up but I know better. Romeo loves you and you will finish out the final year of your contract. Just keep teaching and being a team leader like you have and I can live with it.

#56 Antwan Peek - OLB - 5th Year
Please stay healthy. I would love to see what you and Wimbley could do in a full 16 game season when you are both healthy. You were extremely fast until you hurt your foot and then it was downhill from there. Another solid FA signing that bucks the Browns’ past FA trends. I mean you should be a terror you just look scary in your picture. The one in the Media Guide is even more frightening.

#58 D’Qwell Jackson - ILB – 2nd Year
You are undersized but looked great as a rookie. This year ball carriers were dragging you all over the field. In a 3-4 the ILBs need to make all the tackles bro, and not down the field. You regressed big time. You do almost everything good but nothing great. It’s frustrating to see you be in position to make a play but not make one, or make it seven yard down the field. If the D is to improve either you or Williams needs to step up in 2008.

#94 Leon Williams - ILB – 2nd Year
You played well. You are young and athletic. But I hear you are as dumb as a box of rocks. You seem to have gone to the Andra Davis School of Tackling Seven Yards Down the Field. But you are good in pass coverage especially on the TE. You’re still young and maybe New DC Mel Tucker can do for you what he did for the Defensive Backs the past few years. We need you to develop into a tacking machine at or behind the line of scrimmage. Please.

#95 Kamerion Wimbley - OLB – 2nd Year
OK, Kam-Ram, you suffered the dreaded sophomore jinx, but it wasn’t that bad. You didn’t get hurt or play awful just weren’t as much of a force that you were as a rookie. Some of it was because you are the only effective pass rush we have when Peek isn’t healthy. But some of it is because you only have ONE PASS RUSHING MOVE! Come on now, Kam-Ram, we need some variety and ingenuity here. You should be good for an automatic 10 sacks a year, no questions asked. Maybe if you got a little meaner on the field. I hear you are one heckuva nice guy but please, all of Cleveland would love it if you kicked Todd Heap in the balls or piledrove Big Dumb Toothlessburger… Turkey Jones style.