Saturday, January 26, 2008

2008 - Browns Cut List - Defensive Backs

#21 Brodney Pool - FS - 3rd Year
What's the deal with the name? Parents couldn't decide between Brian and Rodney? Couldn't have gone with B. Rodney Pool? Then I could give you a cool nickname like "The Divine Rod". Now I'm stuck with "The Divine Brod"? Thanks, jack ass. You looked lost the first part of the year taking over for Brian Russell and it hurt. But you came on at the end. It was your first year as a starter and you improved as the season wore on. Keep it and I can see good things in cut lists of the future.

#22 Brandon McDonald - CB - Rookie
Who was this character in the hospital? And why was he trying to kill Nordberg? And for whom? Did Ludwig lie to me? I didn't have any proof, but, somehow, I didn't entirely trust him, either. Why was the I Luv You not listed in Ludwig's records? And if it was, did he know about it? And if he didn't, who did? And where the hell did Brandon McDonald come from? These are the gems we need Phil Savage to continue to find. They lack of depth the Browns had in previous regimes is slowly starting to be eliminated and McDonald is a prime example. Stepping up when injuries took their toll and playing well. Watching him shut down Andre Johnson was great and seeing him always be around the play on special teams was great. No sophomore slump please. Also, thank you for the readily available nickname, B-Mac.

#24 Eric Wright - CB - Rookie
You started off a little slow, but that was to be expected. By the end of the year you looked as solid as can be. With you B-Mac and Bodden, the Browns look go to go in the secondary for a while. Also, you may be the solidest tackler on the team and you're only a rookie. Kudos for proving your doubters wrong by keeping your nose clean at UNLV after getting into trouble at USC. I know that makes LA one of your least favorite places but it has to be done...

"Cruisin' down the street in my '64
It's like that and it's like this
I took her to the pad and we started to kiss
Now my (expletive deleted)'s on hard ya know what I'm thinkin'
Took her panties off and her (expletive deleted) was stinkin'
Pulled off my draws and we started to begin
Now the (expletive deleted)' wet so my (expletive deleted) slides in
Oh, hiddy hiddy hiddy you hoe
Ridin' from the back so I'm (expletive deleted) kinda slow
So fee fie foe (expletive deleted) fum
She's scratchin' on my back oh here she comes
Now I gotta get a nutt gotta get a nutt gotta get it quick
Ya know because I love this (expletive deleted) so
Gimme that, that, that nutt
Gimme that, that, that nutt
Gimme that, that, that nutt
Gimme that, Gimme that, Gimme that nutt..."

(Personal note: This was the theme song to the 1994 Strongsville Mustangs' Football Team played after every game in the basement of Trey Donze's house. Special thanks to QB Kevin Walsh for making this the team's theme song. You stay classy K-Dubs!)

#26 Sean Jones - SS - 4th Year
Ok, so you had trouble stepping up calling the coverages after Brian Russell left. It sucked. It really did. You made all opposing tight ends look like John Mackey (I still refuse to acknowledge Benedict Ozzie). It's OK. I forgive you. By the end of the year, things were well adjusted and you were making plays and big hits again. Just tackle, please? I know you can hit very hard but it does no good if the guy with the balls bounces off of you and runs for 15 more yards. It's very disheartening to the fans, teammates and coaches. Please, I think you can be as good as Troy Poopamalu and Ed Reed except without the stupid hair and gangsta thug lives. Make me want to buy your jersey. I expect big things from you in 2008. Don't let me down.

#28 Leigh Bodden - CB - 5th Year
Just stay healthy, that's all I ask. Whenever you are healthy, you make plays. Gimpy, not so much. I don't know why this a difficult task for you but it is. When you were a rookie and playing special teams as a gunner on the punt team you never got hurt, not once. Now you sneeze and we're screwed. Stay healthy. Buy a hyperbolic chamber or something, just stay healthy. And just for the record... even if you are a football player, and your baby's momma and your two kids are sick and somehow having trouble figuring out how to exit Hopkins International Airport, you can not park you car outside at the arrival gates. They wouldn't care if you were a diplomat. In DC they would shoot you then detain you at Guantanamo Bay for this. I don't care if the cop was being a jerk, it's common knowledge you can do this. Assclown.

#39 Daven Holly - CB - 3rd Year
Last year you were like money. Signed after training camp, thrust into action and making plays left and right. Someway, somehow the ball would find you and you'd make a play. This year you struggled right off the bat and never seemed to get right. You started off as the nickel back but seemed to get replaced in 3 and 4 DB packages by Mike Adams and Brandon McDonald. Your season can be summed up in one play. Week 16, Cincinnati. Opening kickoff. The Bungals fumble. It bounces right to you... and you drop it and the Bungals recover. You get that fumble it's a different ballgame. It just seemed like you couldn't buy a break this year. Still, it's was only your 3rd year but you have now fallen behind Bodden, Easy E and B-Mac. Your fate depends on Gary Baxter's and the rookie Free Agent class.

Friday, January 25, 2008

2008 - Browns Cut List - Special Teams

#4 Phil Dawson – K – 9th Year
You are the last guy left from 1999 and with good reason. Everyone bad mouthed you for an off 2006 and you rebounded with authority. 26 for 30. 87%. Let’s go over the 4 misses. Game 3, Nat Dorsey whiffs on a blocking assignment and the kick is blocked. Game 9, on the worst field in football history (Heinz Field, Pittspuke) you are just short on a 52 yard field goal. Only 1 field goal of over 50 yards has even been made there. Ever. Game 10, you shanked one in Baltimore but I think the 51 yarder you made off the “Dawson Bar” to send the game to OT and the OT winner made up for that one. Game 16, protection breaks down and the kick is blocked. So out of 30 attempts you had one shank job. And the 26 you made included The Immaculate Deflection in Baltimore and the two amazing kicks in the blizzard versus Buffalo. The 49 yarded may never be duplicated. You passed Matt Bahr and Jim F’N Brown on the Browns all-time scoring list and sit at #3. You are the most consistent kicker we have had since Matt Bahr and the only game winning kick you have ever missed was the one in Game 3 when Dorsey missed his block. You are the best player the Browns have had since their reincarnation in 1999 and will be the first member of the reincarnation to be inducted into the Cleveland Browns Legends faction.

#15 Dave Zastudil – P – 6th Year
Your punting average dropped more than 2 yards per punt and your net average dropped almost 4 yards per punt from 2006. You went from placing 35% of your punts inside the 20 to 29%. You even had a couple of bobbled snaps as the holder this year. Not a good 2007 for the Zasty Boy. Now I know you had a bad back, of which I can sympathize with, but did you have to subject us to Paul Ernster and Scott Player? Honestly, that was not cool. A douchebag and a 60 year old porn star. Yuck! Just stay healthy, you kicked us out of field position jambs time and time again in 2006 let’s revert back to that in 2008. Bay Village High School Football Rules!

#16 Josh Cribbs – WR/KR – 3rd Year
What can be said? He’s been here for 3 years and is already the Browns all-time leader in kickoff yardage and return touchdowns. Every time he touches the football everyone in the stadium looks on in anticipation. Plus he’s the gunner on the punt team and a menace on the kickoff team leading the team in special teams tackles. If there’s one issue with Cribbsy it’s that the Browns seem reluctant to use him on offense in fear of burning him out. He’s not an every down player on offense, yet, but he still could be utilized more as a weapon. 9 rushes and 3 receptions just isn’t enough. Enjoy the annual trip to Honolulu.

#25 Kenny Wright – CB – 9th Year
I live in DC. Kenny Wright played for the Redskins last year (after being jettisoned by Jacksonville, Houston and Minnesota). Last year for the Redskins, he was forced into starting duty due to injuries. It was not pretty. I believe I compared him to Ralph “Toast” Brown. It was that bad. You were basically a charcoal briquette. This year he started off by playing in the nickel and dime packages. He actually started and played extensively in Game 2 versus the Bungals when they put up 45 points. You only played in 5 games after that. Actually, you were inactive for 7 of the last 10 games. Do the math. The last ember of your charcoal briquette is about to burn out.

#27 Nick Sorensen – DB – 7th Year
Yo dude, like whats up? You look like a surfer but you’re from Virginia. You actually went to high school right down the street from my office and then Virginia Tech. Which is odd… The Browns picked you up mid season after being cut by Jacksonville where you were special teams captain for 2 years. You’re all over the field on kickoffs and punts and we do need a wild and crazy Caucasian running down the field since the Mother Uncker Mason Unck was run out of town. You can keep your long hair (and that giant forehead), you damn hippie, and long as you keep making tackles on punt and kickoffs. We just need to find you a nickname…

#30 Ricardo Colclough – DB – 4th Year
Where do I begin? Drafted by Steelers. Played 3 years for Steelers. Started this year with Steelers. Cut by Steelers after 3 games. On the Browns active roster for 9 games. Inactive for all 9 games. 9 for 9. I don’t know how anyone can top that. Well, I do, but that’s for a later date… So you get cut by the Steelers, who defensive backs suck after 3 games. Three. And then, you can’t even get active for a game with the Browns. Gary Baxter was able to accomplish that, too, except he at one point in time had no ligaments in his knees! If you are going to come over from the dark side you at least have to contribute something to Believeland (see: Roye, Orpheus). Your contribution, nada.

#41 Charles Ali – FB – Rookie
Ah yes, the traditional fullback, just like me. A dying breed. Close to my heart. But we already have Vickers. And watching the film the only special team you play on is kickoff return. Not even FG/XP, just kickoff return. Now I know Cribbs is the best damn KO returner in the game but I kind of think there’s someone else who can do this instead of you. Maybe Vickers? He IS Lawrence Vickers. Kudos to you for making it as an undrafted FA out of college, always tough to do. But you being active usually means Jerome Harrison is inactive which makes me grumpy. And you don’t need 2 FBs on a 53 man roster. If Vickers goes down (God forbid) Stevey Heiden or Darnell Dinkins can step in. Sorry my fullback breatheren.

#51 Chaun Thompson – LB - 5th Year
You seem to be versatile but do nothing well. But it can’t be ignored that you were second to Cribbs in special teams tackles. And you are durable. You have played in every game possible for the browns since you were drafted… from West Texas A&M ( The West Texas A&M Buffs. The Buffs. Couldn’t afford Buffalos? What’s the deal here? Oh wait the website says to you can use Buffalos or Buffs. Riiiiight… At least you spell your first name properly. And you can play anywhere from NT to OLB. You are a FA I hope you resign.

#59 Keith Adams – LB – 7th Year
Thanks for showing up for the last three games after Kris griffin got hurt. This was after Miami cut you. Cam Cameron may be the stupidest head coach ever. Good news, he ended up in Balti-whore. Bad news, I am still pissed Mason Unck is gone.

#64 Ryan Pontbriand – LS – 5th Year
How many times do I remember you f@#$ing up? Zero. How many bad weather games with wind, rain and snow did the Browns play? Plenty. How many will they play in the future? Plenty. You said in the windy games you were aiming 2 yards to the side of Zasty… and still hit him in the numbers. In addation to keeping you around I am nominating you for the Nobel Prize in Physics. Well played.

#90 David McMillan – LB – 3rd Year
Hey man, what is up with your hair? As a rookie you had the dreads, last year the high and tight and now the corn rows. Make a frickin’ decision. Sweet Lord. I mean you are always Mr. Pre-Season on defense and then only sniff the field on special teams all year. What‘s up with that??? You had 7 tackles and a recovered fumble in 15 games. That’s just so-so. But you did to Kansas for college! So you played for Mark Mangino who can only be eloquently described in one picture… MCMILLAN - KEEP

Up next: Defensive Backs.

Monday, January 21, 2008

2008 - Browns Cut List - Practice Squad & IR

Yes, it's that time again. In the honor of legendary Coach Homer J. Simpson, it's time for the 2008 Cleveland Browns Cut List. A look back at the 2007 season, who should stay, who should go, who I hate and who I love. Some of the reasoning is logical, some of it is insane. That's the beauty of the Cut List. The only thing missing is another cameo of Lang Campbell, QB for a day. So, without further ado... "Lock up your daughters, lock up your wives, lock up the back door and run for your lives!"



12 - Syndric Steptoe - WR - Rookie
Where do I begin? You are a wide receiver, check. You were on the practice squad all year, check. Never on the active roster, check. Now to my knowledge the Browns only have 2 wide receivers on the roster, Braylon and Joe J. So it would make sense to have more than 2 WR on the active roster but you can't make the active roster but we need more WRs on the active roster, it's like a paradox or a plot of a bad Star Trek episode...
... but there's something fishy about you... way too familiar... not Kaz Tadano familiar but familiar nonetheless... heyyyyy... wait a second... You're less than 6' tall... You went to Arizona... You play WR... You are more of a punt returner than a WR... You have sketchy hands... Holy sh!t, you're Dennis Northcutt, Jr! Sweet Frickin' Jesus! This is the worst thing to happen to the Browns since the real Dennis Northcutt.

33 - Kory Chapman - RB - 2nd Year
Chapman, you've bounced around from Baltimore to New England to Indy in 3 years. Not 3 cities you want to mention in C-Town right now.

37 - A. J. Davis - DB - Rookie
Davis the Lions drafted you in the 4th Round and then cut you. The Lions cut you. Ouch.

63 - Cliff Louis - OL - Rookie
Louis, you're 6'-8" 300 but couldn't beat out Nat Dorsey.

79 - Zach West - DL - Rookie
West you were signed to the practice squad before Week 17. ***Congrats, you get the Lang Campbell Memorial - I Was On the Roster For Only One Week So I Get to Appear On The Browns All-Time Roster Award!*** Kudos!

83 - Steve Sanders - WR - 1st Year
Sanders, you're a Cleveland guy and a BGSUer like Moms. Not too shabby. We do need another WR... hmmm.

85 - Brad Cieslak - TE - 3rd Year
Cieslak, you've played for the Bills and they cut you. You've been around for 3 years, why are you still on a practice squad?

97 - Chase Pittman - DE - Rookie
Pittman, you know what I found out? Your full name is Benjamin Chase Pittman. That's fishy right there. People who go by their middle names. You went to LSU. You are basically a clone of Simon Frasier except you went to LSU and not OSU. When Ethan Kelley went on IR they activated Melila Purcell and not you.


5 - Efrem Hill - WR - 1st Year
Dear Efrem, thank you for catching Brady Quinn's first ever TD in pre-season. It kicked of Brady-Mania and gave the town hope for years to come. Unfortunately, that play was all about Mr. Quinn and nothing about you. Please note, as you spent to entire year on IR you do NOT appear on the Browns All-Time Roster. If you are a wide receiver and you are given a single digit number it is generally not a good sign.

13 - Kyle Basler - P - 1st Year
The white guy Afro is pretty cool, I'll give you that. But you are not a cool as Scott Player and his porn 'stache and I do not despise you as much as Paul Ernster which puts you in no man's land. Also, Spurgeon Wynn used to wear #13, bad karma my man. Oh yeah, and you have John Elway horse teeth.

20 - Mike Adams - S - 4th Year
You played very well on special teams, backing up Jones and Pool and in the dime packages before you got hurt. You always seemed to be around the ball and don't make mistakes. Now that the Browns are good, they can focus on acquiring depth. Mike Adams, congratulations...

23 - Gary Baxter - DB - 7th Year
I am amazed you can even wall after popping both patella tendons. Kudos to you for making it back, holding up through training camp and making the active roster. I don't know if you'll even play again, but if you do I hope it's here as you can provide some depth and veteran leadership to a young secondary.

37 - Justin Sandy - S - 2nd Year
You were on the practice squad last year. Good for you. You were on IR all this year. Not good for you.

52 - Matt Stewart - LB - 7th Year
You were awful last year. 14 tackles in 4 starts awful. You got hurt this year. I'm sorry you blew out your shoulder but you're not helping at all. Andra Davis is faster than you, not good. I will give you credit, you did leave the Falcons organization before the poop hit the fan. Good timing on that one, chief. For the second year in a row...

53 - Kris Griffin - LB - 3rd Year
So let's see. You grew up in Beaver, PA... You went to Indiana University of Pennsylvania... Because of your arrival the Browns released Dr. Poove's favorite Mormon and bald brother, Mason Unck, depriving everyone of seeing him run like a mad man into a wedge. Then, to top it off, you take his #53 just to spite him. How dare you, sir, how dare you in deed.

57 - LeCharles Bentley - C - 6th Year
Your situation might be worse than Gary Baxter's. The injury, the staph infection, the second surgery. Ugly. Plus you are C-Town born and bred. But why are you so surly? I am curious as to what the deal is. I have to know. Regardless, with the Browns O-Line now a strength, you can only make it better. Godspeed, LeChuck.

68 - Seth McKinney - G - 6th Year
Who doesn't love a fat guy with red hair and a chin goatee? Honestly? But you've got to stay healthy bro. A broken leg in 2005. A broken neck in 2006. Separated shoulder in 2007. Come on my man. You played well until you got hurt but the Tuckster played better. The good Browns are all about depth so I hope you resign and hope you stay healthy. Maybe it's number karma? You are taunting The 69 Game by wearing #68.

73 - Alvin Smith - DL - 1st Year
You're named after one of the Chipmunks. Hines Ward is the Evil Chipmunk. Strike one. You are wearing #73. I think someone else on the Browns who is a little better than you is wearing that number now. Strike two. You were on the practice squad last year when the Browns stunk and they never activated you. Strike three.

78 - Ethan Kelley - NT - 3rd Year
I want to cut you but I always see you hustling. You're undersized for a NT but you get decent pressure. I am not sure if it's that everyone else sucks so you look better or you actual have talent and would fit well into a rotation of D linemen. You should not start but I think you're worth keeping around. Don't blow it.

92 - Ted Washington - NT - 17th Year
I met you at Training Camp in 2006. You were the surliest SOB and it was great. But anytime a kid said hello to you you said hello back. You are by far the largest Brown in history, and you're lucky they only list you at 375. But you were dog poo this year. It was so bad that you were inactive for a couple games and then you got put on IR for being fat. Not good my man. You were great when you were in your prime but that was years ago. At least I heard you were a good tutor and mentor for the younger players on defense. Hang them up, get a whistle and a clipboard and lose 125 pounds.