Monday, May 19, 2008

2008 Cleveland Cavaliers Cut List

Every year after my beloved Cleveland Browns finish up their season, I come up with a satirical look at the roster. Who I'd like to see stay, who I'd like to go and who I'd like to be hit by an oncoming 18 wheeler (you're still on that list Dennis Northcutt). Some reason are performance related, some as obscure and some are just plain asinine, but hey, it's my list.

Well over the past few years I have actually started caring about the Cleveland Cavaliers for the first time since the days at the old Richfield Coliseum that featured Larry Nance, Brad Daugherty and Mark Price. So at the request of one of my pals let's take a shot at the first ever Cleveland Cavaliers Cut List.

Now the NBA works a little different than the NFL in the way contracts area handled so for clarification purposes, if I declare someone CUT, I realize that it probably would be better served if they or their expiring contract would be used in a trade. But, quite frankly, just to make it easier on me I am just going to declare them cut.

Is it lazy? Yes. But I'm writing the damn list, not you. So deal with it, please and thank you.

Without further ado...

The 2008 Cleveland Cavaliers Cut List

#23 - LeBron James - 6'-8" - F/G
I think you're safe, Bron Bron. But since I've got you here... You're really good. Like really, really good. But there are a number of things that are lacking in your game that could really put you over the top, because honestly, you are no where near as good as Kobe. Maybe if you worked on some facets of your game like your mid-range jumper, or developing some post moves, or (going out on a limb here) free throw shooting. Also, the acting is a little over the top. I know you are getting hit, jabbed, poked and bumped multiple times each play. But if you get hit in the scrotum and you grab your face NO ONE IS GOING TO BUY IT. Grab your scrotum if you get hit in the scrotum. Maybe you've been following the NHL and are emulating Sydney Crosby. Talent wise that is great, acting and diving not so much. Plus he's a douche bag who plays in Pittsburgh. That should tell you enough right there. Also, be nice to Mom, she popped your 6'-8" butt out of her hoo-ha which is amazing in of itself. Don't get me wrong, LeBron, you are amazing, but you could be epic. You just need to focus on it and work at it.

#11 - Zydrunas Ilgauskas - 7'-3" - C
You did the one thing you really needed to do to take your game to the next level this year. Shaving the dome. It actually makes you look respectable... and like a monster in an horror film, but hey it works for you. Seriously, there are not many talented big men and we are fortunate to have you. After all those foot surgeries you've had an above average career. If anything you are not utilized enough as you seem to be the forgotten man on offense for periods or games at a time.

#41 - Lance Allred - 6'-11" - C
You are the first legally deaf player in NBA history, Caucasian and your name is Lance. Lance! An NBA player named Lance! Who would have thunk it?!? I can't cut the partially deaf guy.

#33 - Devin Brown - 6'-5" - G
You were actually a nice, pleasant surprise this season and then you disappeared in to Mike Brown's doghouse, never to be seen again. I mean you were productive, played good defense and hustled. Those are all things Mike Brown likes, what happened? The only thing I can think of is when Marv Albert has his off-court "issues" he would sign into hotels under an assumed name. Steve Albert, his bother! Maybe you were doing some freaky-deaky S&M stuff at the Downtown Sheraton and signed in as Mike Brown. I don't know I can't figure it out. You are not signed for next season, I'd like to see you back.

#1 - Daniel Gibson - 6'-2" - G
You were money in the 2007 playoffs and I wonder how you would have been this year if you hadn't have gotten hurt mid-season and again in the play-offs. You desperately need to work on your ball handling skills but have shown you can hit some big shots. It was only your second year. We need you to continue to develop. Plus your nickname IS Boobie. Hee hee!

#19 - Damon Jones - 6'-3" - G
You have no D and no J hence you are Amon Ones. An oldie but a goodie. And it still fits. Mike Brown doesn't like you as you seem to find your way into his doghouse annually. I actually find you quite entertaining on the bench and before the game but you do have a $4.4M expiring contract next season! Plus you wear #19 and are ruining it for Bob Feller, Bernie Kosar and Lenny Wilkins.

#27 - Dwayne Jones - 6'-11" - C/F
You don't play. When you do it's uninspiring. You don't have a contract next season. Do the math.

#3 - Aleksandar "Sasha" Pavolvic - 6'-7" - G/F
I am going to come out and say it... you are my Dennis Northcutt. I cringe when you check into the game. I cringe when you get the ball. You actually started to "get it" last season and you showed flashes of breaking out. And then you held out. You. Sasha F'N Pavlovic. Then you got hurt, probably because you weren't in playing shape, and floundered the entire season. Somehow you worked your way back into the rotation for the playoffs and were so awful that it was like watching a monkey try to (expletive deleted) a football. You have 2 year at $4.5M left on your new contract. I hope you are shipped out of here well before that.

#32 - Joe Smith - 6'-10" - F
You were an effective role player after the big trade and you can actually hit a mid-range jump shot. You are going to be 33 next season but I think bringing you back on a short term deal could be an asset. People often bash you for being a #1 overall pick, but you didn't pick yourself, you're a solid vet and this team could use a few of those.

#20 - Eric Snow - 6'-3" - G
Kudos for being the hometown boy who came home to play. Kudos for playing through an injury and I hope it doesn't hinder your life after basketball. You do tons of stuff for the C-Town community and I hope that continues. But, in the eyes of The Cut List, all you are is a $7.3M expiring contract.

#10 - Wally Szczerbiak - 6'-7" - F
You were a hired gun. You fired blanks. Especially in Game 7 against Boston when you scored 0 points. 0 points. Your last three games against the Celtics: 3-8, 2-11, 0-3. The 0-3 tells me you were afraid to put the ball up or your teammates were afraid to pass it to you. Not good for a shooter. Maybe you need a year to get accustomed to the team or maybe your gun is empty. You are $13M expiring contract, however.

#12 - Billy Thomas - 6'-5" - G
You hit a 3 in the Playoffs against the Wizards but have bounced around the NBA for 3 years. I haven't seen anything to warrant keeping you around. Maybe you'll surprise me.

#17 - Anderson Varejao - 6'-10" - C/F
Are you Brazilian or retarded? Seriously, if I see you try to drive the lane off the dribble one more time I might bash my head through the kitchen cabinets. It's THAT BAD of a move. And the flopping continues to get worse and worse. I personally get embarrassed when you do it so imagine how Dan Gilbert, Danny Ferry, Mike Brown, LeBron and everybody else feel. You may have had the most poorly thought out hold-out in the history of sports, too. What were you thinking? You used to be one of my favorite players but now you just gnaw and gnaw at me with each passing flop and turnover. It would not surprise me that you think they speak Spanish and not Portuguese in Brazil, and you are from Brazil. That's how stupid I think you are. But that $5.8M contact next year with a player option the next may look tasty to somebody else.

#4 - Ben Wallace - 6'-9" - C/F
We have you for 2 more years at $14M/year so I don't think anyone is going to want to take you off our hands. You have games here and there where you look like the defensive force you were in Detroit. Maybe the karma in Chicago put you in a funk and you haven't shaken it off yet. But you need to. You could play a huge role for the team if you can just get motivated and focus on what you do best, play defense and rebound.

#13 - Delonte West - 6'-3" - G
You too showed flashes of brilliance here and there and maybe playing with LBJ can bring out the best of you. But for the love of Pete, STOP DRIBBLING THE BALL OFF YOUR FRIGGIN' FOOT. Seriously, you do it 2 or 3 times a game. Listen, I could do that. You should not. It's your 4th year, you're a restricted free agent and I think you could form a nice rotation with Boobie. We need you to continue to get better, especially with the dribbling.

So that's all she wrote. LeBron work on your game. Mike Brown PLEASE hire an offensive consultant. Danny Ferry please use expiring contracts, anyone but LeBron and anything you can to get LBJ some much needed help. And Cavs Fans stay strong, keep the faith and get ready to Rise Up in 2008-2009.

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